Our Paradise ‘Wedding’

It’s been nearly 5 months since our paradise wedding, how has time gotten away from us so quickly!? What was nearly two years of plans changing, rearranging, waiting, and back and forth ideas, it’s gone just like that! But the memories stay and the memories are what make it all worth it.

if I’m honest I have been thinking about the ‘Wedding’ a lot lately. I seem to have hit a bit of a slippery slope in my overthinking mind. The stress I went through the week before the wedding knocked me back and it’s been quite the challenge since, to try and not let other things in my life stress me. I have been triggered and now no matter how small or big an issue is I’m feeling like I can’t correctly deal with them.

I started negatively questioning our ‘wedding’. Was it all worth the stress and anxiety? was it worth the money we spent? why did I worry so much about others rather than only focusing on us? The distance that we invited people to, was it too much? should we have had it closer to home? Was it the Paradise we dreamt of for so long?…STOP! I had to give myself a wake-up call, I have been driving myself mad. I knew this was all my mind obsessing and being controlling over me however I started to believe a part of it and then I realised, it was time to see my therapist again.

I sat hunched in the chair and blabbered away about all my thoughts, reasons why I’m maybe asking myself these negative questions, and hoping she will fix my crazy mind. She explained to me that when you experience something negative within a happy time, your brain only remembers the negative and tricks you into thinking everything was negative. “You have to practice telling yourself about all the wonderful moments that you had,” She told me. “And your brain will soon learn.” Christ, I hope it’s that easy. “Your mind is a powerful thing,” she told me. “Planning a wedding increases your dopamine levels which is why most people get a low after. On top of that people will disappoint you, your expectations will be high, you will want everything to go according to plan, you will want everyone to enjoy themselves and you may not deal with things the way you would normally. then anything whether it be big or small will trick your mind into thinking negative thoughts.” I knew she was right because I knew just how incredible our wedding was for us and just how incredibly lucky were to even get there.

So here it is, A POSITIVE story on our paradise wedding. (I remember from seeing her last time, that it’s always good to write things down, to help get rid of those negative thoughts!)

Arrival – We were welcomed with Coconuts filled with rum and Sunshine. After catching up, we got dressed and met in a villa where we had copious tequila shots followed by dinner at a local bar where they cooked us a feast and lit a bonfire in the sand. Some were tired from their journey, others from partying too hard so the night wasn’t a late one but it was a nice way to ease everyone in.

Day one – Everyone was recovering from their hangover. We woke in the morning at various times and headed for breakfast. It was a cloudy day and there was quite the bluster of wind. It wasn’t sunbathing weather although we tried, the boys created beach cricket out of sticks which was so fun. In the afternoon Dad made us watermelon daiquiris and later I prepared with the caterers for the evening events as Mike was out collecting friends that had not yet arrived. The weather did worry me, I prayed to hope the following day (the wedding) would be sunny but told myself it didn’t matter as we were in paradise. That evening I had arranged delicious Canapes, fish & veggie coconut curry, and rum punch on arrival. We had candles, fairy lights, sarongs, and chairs surrounding our Villa with big speakers ready for our Brazilian friend to sing and play the guitar. As the night progressed we were dancing and singing (karaoke happened!) and it was great, just how we imagined the first night to commence. At about 2 am before we went to bed, some of us girls skinny-dipped and ran into the sea. It was so windy Lou lost all of her clothes so we screamed and sent our friend Joe to swim and get them back who was now, also stark bollock naked. I can picture it, Lou naked on the deck waiting for Joe to return her clothes as we laughed out loud!

Day 2 – The wedding day. We had organised breakfast for 9:30 am, I worried it may be a little early so I thought people would come and go as they pleased but most of us were up even earlier because guess what? The sky was blue and the sun was shining! Yes!! I opened my curtains with my eyes tightly shut and smiled as soon as the beams hit my face. We lay sunbathing before we were called for breakfast. The caterers laid it out on the balcony of the largest Villa (the one we called the bar) and everyone made it. We had fresh fruit, and an amazing spread of food, including the French Omelette Chef who was incredible and made us the tastiest omelets whilst telling us all about himself and his superb egg cooking skills. He was truly brilliant and made breakfast not only super tasty but fun. After Breakfast I went off to meet the decoration lady who seemed to have everything under control which meant I could go and chill by the pool. I dipped in and out of organising bits here and there but mostly spent the morning chilling. 2 pm came and I thought we better start getting showered and ready as the ceremony was supposed to be at 4 pm. I invited all the girls to get ready together with me and the bridesmaids as I didn’t want to leave anyone out and thought it would be nice for us to all drink champagne together. All was going well (although I was still in my bath towel at 3 pm greeting the guitarist and the band.) And then I had a minor eyeliner crisis, ironically probably my most stressful moment of the day. Make-up always goes wrong when you want it to look its best and the thing was I didn’t even need to have much on. My friend helped to sort me out but I delayed the ceremony by 45 minutes. Thankfully Mike had already messaged saying he was running 30 minutes late – like a true Brazilian. We took some photos and off we went walking down the stairs, through the trees on the sand, and into the conch shell aisle. I had both My dad and Ollie (my stepdad) walk me arm in arm down the aisle. it felt magical, I listened to the guitarist playing Bob Marley’s ‘is this love’ as I glanced at Mike standing by our wooden ‘altar’ in his linen clothes and trilby hat, my heart felt full.

Our friend Pete hosted the ceremony and he did such a fantastic job, it was perfect. He made us laugh, and cry and filled the beach with joy. Thank you, Pete. We said our vows (yes I remembered this time around) and the whole moment was emotional and personal surrounded by all the people we loved. After the ceremony, we had a few photos (we wanted these to be quick) followed by margaritas and canapes. The band played great tunes before we sat down for dinner. I had designed the dinner like a beach picnic with 4 wooden crates in two rows I wanted it to be relaxed. We had ceviche to start, followed by tacos, loads of margaritas, and of course key lime pie! We were in the Caribbean after all. Speeches were made, some great, some not so great (lol) but all so touching. After dinner, the Dj played and we danced by the pool. We did have a first dance, as the first time we heard this song we cried and knew we had to dance together to it. Elvis Presley – And The Grass Won’t Play No Mind. We mixed it up with Twist and Shout at the end so it wasn’t too smooshy. Afterwards, we danced, drank tequila shot after shot, and danced some more until the rain came at midnight. Some of us went back to one of the villas, got a little high, and danced and drank some more. What a day, it was perfect.

Day 3 – Reggae Day! We had arranged for this day to start at 2 pm so everyone could sleep in. We had a crazy, hilarious reggae band along with the most amazing BBQ jerk chicken, fish curry, and bottomless rum punch. (very strong rum punch!) We ate, drank, danced, and sang. It was really fun but also really chilled. It ended about 7 pm so most of the youngsters jumped into two golf buggies and drove off-road to a truck stop-style bar we had seen near the town. We Stayed there drinking and it turned out our guitarist from the wedding was playing music and singing, so he announced us on the mic and got us free tequila shots. The way home was ridiculously funny we were all hammered squished into two golf buggies throwing ice at each other down incredibly bumpy roads. We went back to one of the villas, blasted house music until 3 am, and danced until I couldn’t dance anymore. I left for our villa feeling exhausted but so full of love.

Day 4 – The Boat Trip. This had been rather stressful to organise. We couldn’t afford to pay for the boat trip as after 3 days and all accommodation paid for we ran out of money. We asked those who wanted to join to pay £80 for a day cruise on a boat with sunset. The boat people were not flexible and demanded a certain number of people to make it worth taking the boat out. As the wedding drew close people started to drop out due to spending more money on flights and travel changes. It was stressful, and deep down I had spent so much time organising it that I really wanted it to go ahead. After a few tears and conversations, we made it work. The morning of the boat trip was windy and looked quite stormy. This was the last thing that I needed after all the stress but the charters kept saying it would clear. We risked it and it did, the sun came out (the wind stayed) but it was very chilled. We listened to music, drank, ate ceviche, snorkeled, and saw the most incredible sunset. Thank god! The boys had purchased some hash brownies so just before mooring we all had a bite not realising how strong they were, suddenly we were all stoned. The elders went back to the villas (not stoned) and we took about 20 minutes walking in circles to find a restaurant. We ended up at our caterer’s bar. (she was amazing throughout the whole wedding and became a friend who I still keep in touch with) She laid a long table for us where we ordered carb and food galore no one had much to say, we were for sure the definition of pretty monged and the bed was calling.

Day 5 – Home time (but not for us) We had breakfast and said our goodbyes. Some we were meeting in Mexico before Mike and I went off to have our honeymoon and others were off home. Mike and I spent the day clearing up and relaxing with his family from Brazil. We had a bbq, laid by the pool, and then cried and hugged each other goodbye.

Next stop… Mexico!

Wow, I feel so much better. What an incredible wedding. xxx

Side note – For any bride to be reading this… Your wedding is about the both of you no matter how you decide to have it, one wedding, two weddings, three… Like me, you deserve your paradise wedding. When that day/days come no matter the build-up and all the obstacles that might get in the way… don’t worry and breathe because your day is going to be just as beautiful as you are.

“Planning a Wedding is stress free” – Said no Bride EVER!

Planning a wedding has its own stresses and each Bride is triggered by different things. (9 times out of 10 it’s normally the Bride!)
The ‘planning’ of our wedding didn’t stress me/us. It was fun! Of course tricky at times having no wedding planner and contacting various people overseas. In Latin America everything is relaxed, so people did take a while to respond, said yes to pretty much anything and no deposits were ever needed but ultimately once we got used to it, we felt we didn’t need to worry. We both thought if the DJ or Band didn’t show, we had Spotify. If the photographer didn’t turn up, iPhone cameras are great and we all have them. And If the decoration didn’t go to plan, we were going to be in paradise so who even cares?! All we cared about was getting us, our family and friends there, the rest was just all part of the journey of planning a Wedding abroad. 

So what did stress me? COVID. Rules changing. Taking on other peoples worries and stresses. Constantly worrying what others were thinking. And the thought of cancelling Wedding Party attempt number 3. Well, that was just another whole load of emotion. 

November came and we were in Brazil finally! It had been two and half years since we had been and it had started to feel like we wouldn’t ever get to go again. Brazil was hit really hard with Covid! We had plans to get married there initially and sadly had to cancel twice. Ironically two months after cancelling Wedding attempt number two we were on a plane to Brazil! But I guess that’s just life at the moment, unpredictable and living each day week by week.
As soon as I stepped foot in São Paulo I felt free. I felt the tears fill my eyes as we had finally escaped England after what felt like we were trapped for far too long. In Brazil our diaries were full. Family visits, friend visits, dentist visit, beach visits, tattoo visit, shopping visits for mikes wedding attire, followed by a huge amount of eating and drinking (there was no wedding diet that was for sure!). Mikes nan was also turning 98, so we planned to see her a lot, which we did and of course we thought we would have loads of spare time to Wedding plan and make any finishing touches. We had moved our wedding to January, but this time in Belize (yes it was never going to be somewhere easy!). However, we found that every spare moment we had when in Brazil, we were either drunk, grabbing an hour in the sun or my head was hitting the pillow from exhaustion of listening and trying to understand all of the Portuguese. 
So instead of wedding planning we embraced our time with family and friends and we said we would knuckle down on things when we got home… a month before the trip! 

One morning in Brazil, Mike was scrolling the news and softly mentioned to me that there was a new Covid variant in the UK and most of Africa had been put on the red list. This then followed with a very negative phone call from my mum who seemed sure things were going to get bad again! My heart sunk… Selfishly, I couldn’t help but only focus on the wedding. And I felt so sick, thinking “I’m not sure if I can go through all of this again”. I scrolled the news constantly…”please tell me something positive” I prayed! Mikes mum kept telling me, if I think positively only positive things would happen. But I was so distracted and I couldn’t understand how we could possibly be back here again?!

After two amazing weeks in Brazil, I felt sad to leave but also anxious to get back to the UK and live in reality so I could be proven wrong about all my worries and concerns. But then we came back to a shit show! Omicron had spread like wildfire in the UK. People were panicking again, death rates were low but it was everywhere. I had frustratingly left Brazil where things seemed to be getting better to return to a country where fear had struck and being here was unbelievably depressing. 

As weeks passed, Mike kept telling me we needed to finalise all the wedding planning. But even the mention of the word made me feel like I would burst into tears. Every morning I opened my eyes, my heart raced and I had these visions of projectile vomiting. It started to get worse. I couldn’t get through the day without imagining myself being sick and it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I felt riddled with anxiety, extremely emotional and like nothing could make me feel better. And every time someone said to me “I’m sure it will all be ok”… I wanted to run away. I tried to focus on work and kept telling myself what will be will be, that nothing matters and we are officially married anyway. But to me, it did matter. Inside all I felt was fear, disappointment and the worry of letting everyone down and letting ourselves down. Everyone who was coming had booked their flights, planned their trip and put trust in us that we were going to give them this wedding. 

Thankfully, by Christmas some positive news arrived. Omicron, although spreading vigorously didn’t seem to be hospitalising people as much. They pushed everyone to have a booster so things were looking up! Christmas wasn’t cancelled and new rules were not introduced, so we started finalising. The anxiety and imaginary vomiting seemed to ease off over a few days and all the plans were going pretty well. We had booked hotels, planned our route from Mexico to Belize and we both started to feel really excited. 

One night I was out for dinner for my friends 30th when we received the news about Belize shutting their borders from Mexico. Instantly I felt a gut wrenching feeling, but tried to remain positive. I went to the bathroom, called Mike in tears and he calmed me down and told me to forget about it for tonight. So I did. I wasn’t going to let the rest of the evening be about me and our wedding dramas as we were celebrating her 30th and all and having such a nice time. I put on my brave face, enjoyed the rest of the evening (maybe a little too much!?) and all the worries I would deal with the following day. 

Two weeks before the wedding I was told I was going to lose my front tooth. I was put on 2 sets of antibiotics to maintain the infection as I was going to be away for a month. I was feeling extremely stressed. Mike and I were not only trying to finalise a wedding and organise ourselves but we also had to organise everything for my dad (as he’s useless) and on top of that my period was really late so I started to worry I could be pregnant (terrible timing!)
In the same week, news started flying in on our Belize group chat about more rules and more changes. Prices going up, boats not running, flights not running and suddenly I felt myself feeling like just couldn’t cope. Weeks of anxiety caught up with me and I was taking on everyone’s worries and anxieties too. I felt responsible for it all. The more I looked at my phone the worse I felt which led me to having a panic attack at work, I felt I couldn’t breath, I just had to escape and run away! And the gushing of vomit came back to me almost instantly. I felt out of control, I felt exhausted and overwhelmed.
Later that evening, Mike decided to remove me from the group chat to give me head-space to focus on the positives and the finishing touches for the wedding, which actually helped a lot. On reflection, I wish I had just kept a positive mind set, and held my head high but at the time I just couldn’t. I’m a perfectionist, a control freak. And the thing was, I so desperately wanted everyone to feel excited and positive about coming to our wedding that we had put so much time and energy into planning, but that was completely out of my control. Each person understandably, had their own worries, concerns, time and money they had spent or were spending, to come to our wedding and make it worth it for themselves. 
Eventually things started to get sorted. A few stressful changes had to be made. One being that mostly everyone had to arrive to our venue a day before schedule due to no boats or flights running at weekends but luckily we managed to get the people at La Perla to help us out and sleep everyone for an extra night at a reduced cost. Mike kept me going with encouragement. He was amazing! I felt so drained and negative and he just took over and made me feel at ease. 

The week before we left we were both worried about getting Covid and Mexico seemed to be the place everyone was going on holiday! We had the pressure of people telling us we had to be careful as the ‘Bride and Groom’ couldn’t not be at their own wedding. Annoyingly they were right. After all of this, all the stress, just imagine…it would have been a nightmare. We cooped up at home as much as we could and cancelled our plans to go to Mexico at the beginning of the trip as there was now testing by the government at the Belize border if you went via Mexico. So instead we booked to do a home test before our flight so we could head pretty much straight to Belize. We booked a Hotel in a place called Placencia for 5 days to relax (the opposite side of the country to where the wedding was being held.) That way we knew we were safe, covid free and could really de stress before the wedding. Although we felt sad missing out on the few days in Mexico beforehand with a few of our friends, we ended up being so pleased with how it all came together. The hotel and area we stayed in was incredible and just what the doctor ordered. We got to spend some well needed family time with my Mum, Ollie and Dad as they were staying in the area too, which was really lovely and looking back, really connecting. We also had 3 weeks planned in Mexico for after the wedding for our honeymoon, so we would make the most of it then. 

The minute my foot hit the Belizean ground I felt free again! Stress levels dropped to almost zero. I had stress blisters on my hands, but it didn’t matter we were there. And apart from the next step, which was to get all of our friends and rest of family to Belize safe and Covid free, nothing else mattered anymore. Margarita in hand, sunshine and peace from all the negativity. 

Everything seemed to be going well, we were relaxed and feeling extremely de stressed. Mike and I the day before everyone was due to arrive spent a night in San Pedro town half hour away from the venue. We had our wedding tasting, which was great and we stuffed ourselves with delicious food and beer. We then spent the afternoon shopping and organising the last few things. All was going well and then La Perla, (the Venue) told us that we didn’t have a free collection service to collect everyone from the airport the following day when we thought we did. It caused a little stress as it was extremely last minute, the venue was 30 minutes from San Pedro and taxi fares were extortionate. We raced around the town aimlessly thinking of a solution and finally made an agreement with the venue. We decided to hire a golf buggy for 5 days so we could collect those that were still arriving on the Saturday by buggy. And for those arriving early on the Friday, La Perla agreed to collect everyone by boat at various times at a reduced price. “Phew! It was frustrating, there was only one more step…but at least it was sorted. Mike and I drove to the Venue the following day with all of our luggage, lanterns, booze, Fruit from the market and wedding accessories piled up and strapped onto the back of a golf buggy. The roads were extremely bumpy but it was an adventure and we were finally nearly there! When we arrived at the venue I cried. It was paradise! The Villas were huge, all with hammocks, kitchens, different rooms and oversized beds. It was all incredible and so much better and grander than we ever had imagined. We spent the morning rushing around organising crates of beer for everyone’s arrival and putting hand written notes tied to a bottle of tequila in everyone’s Vilas, making sure that they would all know the details of the next 5 days and where they were staying when they arrived. As time drew close we stood at the port and waited anxiously for everyone to arrive. Boat by boat they all made it, the relief!! No one had covid, no one was thrown out of Belize by testing posItive at the border, I couldn’t quite believe it. Half the group turned up having not slept for two days from partying in Tulum and they all seemed in shock from the journey that they had just about managed to accomplish whilst nursing the world’s worst hangover BUT they had two days before the wedding to recover. I had to pinch myself this was actually finally happening! We were there, everyone was there all 27 of us.

So was all the stress worth it? Well, I think it was.

To be continued… 

Turning 30

After a very stressful day last week returning from work, I ran a bath, poured myself a large glass of red wine, made myself a plate of snacks, lit a few candles and logged onto Netflix. I instantly felt better. As I lay in my bath I thought about all of the things that ease my mind when it feels like it’s going to explode one of them being writing, I realised I hadn’t written for ages. 

I had drafted some notes a few weeks back with every intention to write soon but as usual life gets in the way and it’s easy to forget about YOU. 

I turned 30 back in April. The week before my ‘big birthday’ I had melt a down and found myself crying my eyes out. “Your 30’s are your best years” everybody kept saying to me. “Soon there will be babies!” 

We were just coming out of lockdown number 3 with a 6 person rule in place, restaurants were opening up inside the weekend of my birthday, so places were getting booked up. Mike wanted to plan the weekend for me with my family as he and the girls had organised a surprise weekend away the following week. For some reason on the build up to turning 30 all I felt was an un easy feeling, that nothing would be that fun and I spent most the time secretly wishing it was my 29th birthday and 30 was next year when life could hopefully be normal again. One evening, a few days before the big 3.0 I rang Mikes mum crying down the phone. Mike and I had argued over dinner. Mike thought I was being cold towards him and difficult. Looking back I was, I felt frightened, uneasy and full to the brim of unnecessary pressure. “I don’t want to have my birthday this weekend” I blubbered down the phone to Lilly. In her calming voice she told me that it was normal to feel like this before your birthday that it was my retrograde moving… or was my Saturn returning? “You will have the most wonderful birthday, Mike is really excited” she said to me. I thought to myself after the phone call, I need to just look forward to it and stop worrying. 

As I should have expected I had the best birthday, I was spoilt rotten by my friends and family. I had a lovely weekend with Mike, my family and the doggies. We stayed in Suffolk, went for a delish dinner, had walks and fish and chips on the beach (in fur coats but it was still sunny) and stayed in a hotel with the dogs. The following weekend Mike and the girls had organised the most incredible house in Shropshire for a few nights and they surprised me with Rosé and Champagne all weekend. We hot tubbed, danced, dressed up, laughed, ate and drank a lot! The sun shined for us, it was glorious. So maybe turning 30 wasn’t so bad after all.

After the the celebrations had finished I thought to myself that 30 after all is just a number… Well it all felt like it went down hill from there.  

One stress after another began NO exaggeration. I cried, I panicked, I lost a bit of control. I had a situation where I felt like I was being bullied and I couldn’t do anything about it. The days were becoming exhausting. One day I rang my mum crying down the phone when she was away on holiday (I must make a habit of this) telling her I couldn’t cope, I feel like I’m going to have a break down and I didn’t know what to do. In that week of her being away, I was dealing with some difficult people,  I was extremely busy at work and in my cafe and on top of that I had to let someone go. I think it all got a little to much for me and I started thinking if turning 30 meant you have to deal with these things what the hell. I’m sure if I was in my twenties I could run away like a child but no no I had to pick myself up and get through it. After all I’m married now, I’m 30, welcome to adult life. Thankfully in time things started to turn around. Apart from having to deal with every week someone is still getting pinged/quarantining at work so I am re arranging the diary constantly. I have to say it’s basically become the norm now, ergh bugger off Covid already. 

As things started to look up I received a call from my dad who told me he was going through some things and asked to stay at mine for a while. Anyone who has followed this journey with me knows things have not necessarily been easy with my dad in the past year, so this was going to be interesting. It turned out he was going through a very bad divorce but things were only going to get worse as I found out. I can’t really go into the details but it got pretty bad and he was in a terrible place. Extremely vulnerable, distraught, hurt, angry… the list goes on. At first it felt strange and I could feel my wall was not breaking down however the worse things got my heart started to ache for him and I started to secretly enjoy being his support. Suddenly roles had reversed (well in normal father daughter relationships that is.) I was now the parent who was caring for her sick child. One night we went out for dinner and he told me that he struggles to read me, that I’m so guarded. I explained I have been hurt too many times by him and he has to earn my trust and I think he understood and respected my words. As things eased off a little he moved in with his brother in Suffolk and in usual dad style I havent heard a peep since! Ohh well it was fun while it lasted. 

‘Touching wood immediately’ things have really started to feel better from what felt like months of ongoing drama. I have since celebrated a few friends thirtieth birthdays and had the best time, it kind of feels nice more people joining the club. I spent last weekend partying so hard for our friends thirtieth and loved every single second of being drunk, dressing up and feeling like youngsters which I guess we still kind of are, apart from the hangovers, the hangovers SUCK. I am only just recovering.

Today I spent part of the afternoon in Cambridge Breast Clinic. I found a lump a few weeks ago whilst I was watching a Netflix series as the girl was checking her self so I thought I would do the same. I didn’t worry too much as I know how common it is to find something and my boobs are a little lumpy anyway but this one felt different so I knew it was important to get it checked but I wasn’t going to let it stress me more then it needed to.

As I lay in the hospital bed topless and suddenly aware I had forgotten to wax my armpits, this old male doctor felt my breasts. “Ohh your definitely on the lumpy spectrum” he said as he wiggled around each boob. I was grateful for the mask as I felt like laughing my head off, I wasn’t sure if it was secret nerves or that he was really old and it tickled me. He found the lump I had found so sent me straight to get an ultra sound. The little Philippine nurse who was lovely asked for my date of birth. “Ohh you’ve turned 30 this year” she giggled “I’m soon, and my friend is too.” Yes, that’s me, 30 and currently topless. A few minutes later the Doctor came in applied cold jelly to my breast and showed me on the screen this pea size lump.  Although she said that it was probably nothing to worry about, she still wanted to take two biopsy’s just incase. Wow, that hurt. Crikey, I feel like I have been shot in the chest. I asked the doctor a few questions as to why she thinks it’s probably ok and she said mainly it’s my age and not having a family history. Finally being 30 could be a good thing. 

The Nurse told me to rest and to not do anything. Mikes gone to play football and to the pub. I did put on half a whiney face to say ‘care for me’ as I’m not supposed to do anything but no chance he knows me too well. So instead I’ve poured myself a large red, cooked myself a lovely dinner and written this, finally! 

Moral of the story, yes age is just a number. Don’t turn into that person that spends the whole of their lives worrying about how old they are. Keep getting botox. You can still party (just suffer more) and you can still cry like a baby if you need to let it out. Hello thirties, I think I’m ready for you! 

xxx

Disconnection.

I managed a Month and 5 days off my personal Social Media. I didn’t think I felt much different during my break, I thought I was going to feel less anxious, less insecure, spend less time on my phone and noticeably feel something but I couldn’t put a pin on the change. I sat in the kitchen one evening with Mike and we discussed whether or not I will go back on, I decided I would as I explained I hadn’t really noticed anything that different and there were parts of it I actually missed. I came to the conclusion that what I noticed most was I thought about people so much less, people that meant nothing to me and always popped in my head throughout random points of the day. I also noticed that instagram is a pest, and not only did they email me every other day telling me about what people were up to they sent me constant notifications to tempt me into it, none of which worked as I was adamant I wanted a break.

I was really nervous to go back on (hence the 5 days) it almost felt I had frightened myself of this world and going back on could be life changing. (Of course it wasn’t at all!) My friends had suggested if I was to go back on, I should have a huge clear out of who I follow and who follows me and make my account private, I agreed. I sat for over an hour deleting people, so many I hadn’t spoken to in years, people who followed me from school who I hated and the thought of them knowing a part of what was going in my life gave me shivers. Although I felt I had wasted an hour or so of my life I also felt in control and this was a good thing. My account now mostly consists of Food, Yoga, Boho Interior and positive people and of course my friends. If I’m honest there are still a few people I would like to remove, but I thought I would leave them to the second stage and see how I feel as time goes on.

A few weeks ago I had a bit of a melt down. I had a huge argument with my mum, our biggest in a long time. My Step Dad had started acting a little crazy again due to Covid and was watching my mums every move seeing if she went near me at work. This was causing tension between us and it was so awkward every time we walked past each other it was as if we were both diseased, I couldn’t take it. I asked to work at home because it was causing me so much grief that I would rather have a relationship with my mother on a zoom call then see her everyday and not be able to breathe. This of course caused a huge blowout and tears were flying. I felt so bad, I phoned her that night and she kept crying and saying she missed me and although I see her everyday I realised she was disconnected from her own daughter and how hard that must be. We had to go to London buying a week or so later and I wondered how things would be as usually London gives us the chance to catch up and bond over dinner and wine afterwards. Of course dinner was out of the question. The train journey to London was a little tense, but as the day went on we chatted and laughed and caught up, it was really nice and after a very long day working and both being exhausted I could tell on the train home we both felt re connected again.

A week or so after this event I started to think about a few friends I hadn’t spoken properly to in a while and felt quite disconnected from. At this point I still wasn’t on instagram so I hadn’t seen anything that they might have been posting about and a few messages had been thrown back and forth but no phone calls. I started to feel maybe we were drifting apart. One of my friends who I don’t speak to much at all, but when we catch up it’s really lovely arranged a call with me. We chatted for an hour or so and It was great being able to talk about things that neither of us knew about beforehand and I really felt appreciated and pleased that we had both finally made an effort to pick up the phone to each other. Half way into our conversation I realised I had missed her birthday due to her also not being on social media so I didn’t get a reminder, I felt awful. It really got me thinking how I rely on social media, the messages on instagram, peoples stories, birthday reminders… What happened to the old fashioned diaries and phone calls?. I had another call a few days later with another friend, we spoke and drank wine for hours. Again I hadn’t really known what she had been up to besides from the odd text messages and when I put down the phone I felt so extremely happy, I had missed her so much and I felt silly for feeling a little disconnected. I started to think about what Instagram used to do for me and it was that it helped me feel connected to people, but that’s all in my head. All it takes is some effort to pick up the phone and talk to someone and what’s even more rewarding than that, is that it’s personal with only you involved not 100 plus other people watching and listening.

Since ‘going back on instagram’ I’m hardly on there at all, I think I allow myself 5 mins (if that a day) I hardly scroll and mostly watch videos on food, ok and Emma Lou I’m a little obsessed. I started to get a few friend suggestions, someone popped up who I really dislike so I quickly pressed the X to remove the suggestion. The following day it was back, so I removed it again, this then continued and most days I find myself pressing the X. The other day it popped up again and my finger slipped so I accidentally pressed follow my heart jumped out of my chest as I quickly unfollowed. I messaged my friends in sheer panic, but then I got really mad at instagram. I mean what the hell I havent interacted with this person for years so why are they suggesting I follow them?! All of last week I had been feeling a little insecure and anxious, I couldn’t work out why when I had nothing to really be worrying about. I started criticising myself a little, I felt messy and pale and un motivated. I was also thinking about other people more and of course all weekend this person kept popping up in my head negatively and then it hit me… Fucking Instagram.

I can’t blame it completely and it’s my choice to still be active, I love following food and exploring all the great things that social media can have but it does come with a lot of negatives too.

So what have I learnt? I still enjoy interacting with parts of instagram so I’m not leaving completely just yet it’s a love hate relationship. However you have to be in control, the algorithm is fucked and they will try their absolute best to take over your mind but you mustn’t allow it. Focus on the positives, and be aware of it and then it won’t control you… do I sound I mad? I feel mad but also pretty convinced! and so the blocking and more unfollowing begins…

Ps. A lesson to myself… Sending the odd DM or text isn’t connecting with someone, times are pretty hard for everyone at the moment, go for a walk or pick up the phone and bloody speak to them!

Happy International Womans day! xx

A Social Detox

Firstly ‘Happy’ New Year…Lockdown 3.0. Well I guess we all expected it.

I scrolled through Instagram on January 2nd and nearly every post I came across was negative or wishing on a better year for 2021(of course.) I sat thinking to myself is it selfish to think that 2020 was a pretty good year for me. Every post had the same feeling, the same words, the same hope that this year will be better. I mean we all hope this year will be better and Covid would bugger off already but did they all really have such a terrible year? Some people must have had the worst year of their lives. Loosing jobs, becoming homeless, loosing family and friends. However, I shouldn’t think you would find the majority of these people posting on instagram.

I decided to join the goodbye 2020 Social Media party myself. But instead of writing goodbye 2020 in a negative form, I thought I should write a post and be true to myself, that 2020 for me personally had been a pretty good year and I am extremely grateful for that. I hovered my finger over the ‘post’ button for about 10 minutes. Should I really be saying that 2020 was in many ways positive for me? I didn’t want to offend anyone or preach about my life during a pandemic. However, I also thought, are we not all meant to be encouraging people to be honest in the ‘Social Media world’? Or maybe I’m just completely overthinking. Anyway I pressed send and instantly regretted it until I got over it. This got me thinking…

In lockdown 1.0 I spent a lot of time on instagram. I wasn’t working, I was sun-bathing and apart from reading and listening to podcasts there was a whole new world on Instagram as pretty much everyone had stopped their lives. This meant exercises and challenges were going viral and I didn’t want to miss out on a thing. I have never been mentally great with Social media. I let things affect me far too much. All it takes is me seeing one thing that doesn’t sit well and that’s pretty much my day ruined. This happened a fair few times in lockdown 1.0. I even wrote about one of them. Mike tried to get me to come off and I couldn’t. Like an addict I told him I can’t, I didn’t want to miss out… miss out on what!?? I spoke to my therapist about it who told me to just limit my daily usage rather than leaving completely, which I did and I most definitely felt better and as parts of life returned to a little more ‘normal’, I used it less and less.

Before January 2nd I think I had got back into the habit again. The pause over the Christmas break and work not starting until January 5th meant once again I had too much time on my hands and rather than filling it with activities to benefit me, that magnet on the end of my finger drew me straight to Instagram, scrolling daily. I kept seeing things that were bothering me, making me fell uneasy when maybe they shouldn’t, but they did. This then lead to me not being able to remove the things I had seen from my head and I even found myself thinking about them before I went to sleep most nights. On January 2nd after I had posted my goodbye positive 2020 post, I couldn’t believe how much time and thought I had wasted worrying about what other people may think of me. It was then I decided I need a break, a detox.

There will always be things that are going to upset me. There are people I follow that I wish I didn’t but I feel harsh removing them from my ‘Social Media’ life incase they find out. Seriously? And yes I did have a pretty good 2020. I most certainly hit rock bottom at times but I picked myself up and I learnt a lot. I got married, I had a mini moon in Corfu, I went to the Philippines, I swam with whale sharks, I had the most amazing ‘Sten Do,’ I wrote messages/emails to people that had hurt me and I told them how I felt, I had time to reflect and stop. I stopped rushing around, I watched friends become creative, I made new friends, I walked a lot, I adopted the most wonderful greyhound. We made our home more of a home and I enjoyed date nights and time just Mike and I without any pressures of having to go out. I learnt to be by myself more and actually enjoyed it. I honestly thought the wedding and the stress of all plans changing would break me but it didn’t, it taught me that what will be will be in life and you can’t control a thing, except the amount of time you spend on social media!

I had the whole thing sussed, and when talking about it to my mum I noticed the panic in her face… “You can’t stop I need you to be using it for work, daily!” So I’m having a break from my own instagram and using the work platform however there’s only clients really on there so I don’t ever scroll, I just post and hit the occasional like button.

It’s a start. After all work is work but I honestly feel better already, apart from missing out on Emma Lous amazing recipes… So I’m relying on my friends to screen shot the important ones.

I truly hope 2021 is more positive especially for those that are suffering.

xxx

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  Elvis xx

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The ‘Official’ – A Covid Wedding part 2

We had decided to make the ‘official’ a little more special. I booked us two nights into a 5 star hotel so we could spend the night before and the night after the wedding together. I also booked us a Spa day at the Corinthia in London the day before, which ended up being around the corner from our hotel so it was perfect! We thought we would need some quality time just to ourselves as we knew the build up would be busy. The plan of the day was to get married at 10:30am in Tavistock house. We booked the most basic Reg office as we wanted to keep everything very low key with Brazil being the main focus, so only two whiteness were aloud. We booked a small boat trip down little Venice for the family for after the ceremony with the hope that the weather would be nice and we planned to meet our bridal party and their partners in a bar at 4pm, followed by a nice restaurant in Mayfair called Coya (highly recommend!) for dinner in the evening. I really couldn’t wait.

Mikes Mum and Sister flew over from Brazil a few weeks before the wedding which made us extremely happy. With everything going on at the moment it was hard to know when we would be able to see them. It’s crazy when I think about it, they managed to get a flight from Brazil easily and were not even asked a single question on where they would be quarantining at the airport (considering Brazil was one of the worst effected countries) however we were grateful that they managed to come it made everything feel so much more special.

With only a few weeks to go until ‘the official’ everything had pretty much been planned. Borris announced a week before that only parties of 6 can meet with the exception of weddings (with a clause as this meant only at a venue.) I thought to myself I mustn’t stress, this year has been completely out of everyone’s control and if it comes down to it we would just do the official part, come home and spend the rest of the day with everyone in the garden. All being said I couldn’t help but feel slightly anxious that all plans could suddenly change.

I rang the boat to make sure we were ok to have 7 which they seemed to be fine with. The restaurant had already told us we would be on tables of 6 anyway so I just hoped they wouldn’t change their minds on us all coming together. It made things quite difficult booking a bar to meet before hand as 15 people walking into a place would look very suspicious. I ended up booking a bar with tables next to each other as it’s the best they could do. I think I had to accept that we chose to get married during Covid so I guess you have to take whatever life throws at you at the time. This did mean however I couldn’t completely relax my mind on the build up to the wedding because still nothing was for certain and there were more restrictions in the pipe line. All of this was happening on top of a few personal issues so I was feeling very emotional, yet trying to stay mentally strong as I knew I would end up giving myself a hard time and my anxiety would come crashing.

My Sister was suddenly moving to Australia the day before our wedding. I felt she handled the whole thing terribly. She hadn’t spoken to the family for weeks as her visa was initially declined a few times and her boyfriend was leaving for work no matter what, so she was really sad. Her visa then got accepted because of reasons she chose to keep quiet about and she followed it with a text telling me she was leaving the day before the wedding. I felt hurt and confused. We had been getting on really well since her time she had been in England so I think I ended up finding myself extremely upset by receiving a message and not a phone call or a clear explanation. I booked my Therapist for a session as I was really struggling to come to terms with responding without coming across the wrong way. My therapist reminded me that we are very different people and although she was appearing to be extremely selfish it was best I tried to understand her reasoning and notice it wasn’t anything against me. I struggled if I’m honest, I knew I had Initially made very little of the wedding due to us originally having Brazil and only recently things had started to become a little more important. I tried to see it from her point of view but it seemed everyone else close to me had cottoned onto the fact that this was our ‘official’ and kept telling me to stop making light of it. I understood her desperation to ensure she went to Australia with him, I think I just wished she had made the effort with me to talk about it all properly or set an afternoon aside to spend some time with me before she left. I think communication is so important (this year has really taught me that) especially when there are big life changes happening in peoples lives. Maybe on reflection I could have picked up the phone and explained my true feelings and she would have understood, I’m not too sure why I didn’t.

Following this my dad emailed me a long letter he had written to me explaining his reasons why he couldn’t make it either and that he felt I was a privileged child who perhaps couldn’t see things from his side and that I can’t expect people to drop their lives for me and our wedding. He told me that most other brides would have postponed and that I should enjoy eating my Ceviche and drinking my Champagne whilst he cleans his Kitchen floor. The email was strong, mean and a little bit hurtful. When I read it at first I cried, then I felt angry. I had never really expected him to come so the letter felt slightly out of the blue, I began to think it may be guilt as perhaps he forgot about our phone call of me inviting him a month prior to the wedding. I had however dropped into a message that Mikes Sister and Mum were over from Brazil, which perhaps hurt him a little and got his back up as he lives in Spain and couldn’t make it due to the quarantine.

I spent a week writing a response. I thought about ringing my Therapist again but I then I thought it would be good for me to do it on my own this time and what’s the worst that could happen. I had decided to respond with a deep, meaningful email explaining my true feelings as otherwise I felt there was no need to respond at all. I explained to him that I have many insecurities, abandonment issues and that I have constant struggles with being labelled ‘privileged.’ I told him that I go to therapy and my life although it may seem perfect at times, it isn’t. I told him that this Wedding was about me and Mike, that we choose to get married in Covid for us and no one else and that him nor anyone else being present was going to change that. I told him I loved him and I knew he would be there for me in times when I really needed him most. I told him I understood life is difficult at the moment and things are not easy due to corona virus and quarantine but as long as me and Mike were there together that’s all that mattered to me. I sent it the day before we got married, I didn’t get a response but I didn’t expect one. He rang me on my wedding day, messaged me a few times and has been in more contact since also, I think he understood and perhaps took on board that we all have shit going on in our lives. I thought to myself you can be angry at this or you can choose to take the path of understanding why he’s writing to me because what good will it do for me if I resent him for this, in the end it would only hurt me more. So that’s what I did and I felt so good after, I felt free from anxiety, from worrying about other people and the following day I was going to marry the man that I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with and no one nor covid was going to stop me!

The Wedding Day

We woke up feeling extremely relaxed after our spa day and a lovely dinner that evening, the sun was shining it was 26 degrees. We went down for breakfast and then back to our hotel room where we got ready together. We played music and I sat and did my hair and Makeup whilst Mike ironed his shirt, it was lovely, un traditional but perfect. Messages from our friends flooded in, such beautiful words we both felt so loved. Ollie was supposed to be collecting us from the hotel in his Rols Royce but they got stuck in traffic so we had to get a taxi, I didn’t care I just wanted to marry Mike and nothing was going to worry me. Mike went downstairs to the lobby whilst I put on my dress, just to add a little romance to the moment. I wore a silk patterned slip dress (an extremely last minute choice.) A sample dress sent from one of my suppliers as I went into panic mode a few days before but it all came together well, well I thought so anyway. I walked down to the lobby where I met Mike and we got into our taxi. We played ‘Going to the chapel’ and sang in the back if the cab smiling. The driver must have thought we were nuts, but we were having a lovely time.

When we arrived at Tavistock, the others arrived at the skin of their teeth. We took mum and Lilly in as our whiteness. My friends had surprised me with a wedding bouquet of wild flowers and when mum handed them over to me I started to feel like a real bride, I couldn’t stop smiling.

I didn’t realise that when you got married in a Reg office (the basic one) you had a whole ceremony, no one had told me this. I expected a desk and a computer and for us just to sign a bit of paper. All the planning before hand and I didn’t even think about the little things on how we would be getting married. Mike had written me the most wonderful vows and I had nothing. We had our little service and he read them to me, we all cried the words were beautiful, words he may not have spoken if we hadn’t of been just the four of us, words that were just for me. I felt a little bad I hadn’t written any but it didn’t matter, it was nice for mike to own the moment and we were married! We walked outside where the rest of the family (Ollie, Mikes Sister and Mikes Dad) were standing throwing confetti and taking photos of us. We went to the park for a few more photos in the sunshine before getting on the boat. Ollie had put a big white ribbon on the car so we really felt like a bride and groom, it was pretty magical. The boat was perfect. Just how we wanted it to be, relaxed, no fuss just a little boat ride down the river with champagne and a picnic. The boat company gave me and Mike colourful hats as a little gift and off we went, it was great. After the boat ride we headed back to the hotel a little behind schedule as the traffic was bad and freshened up before meeting the others at Mr Foggs. When we arrived at Mr Foggs our friends were already there drinking their cocktails and we greeted them. At first the bar was a little funny about us all hugging and touching but they soon let us all switch around tables every now and again, as they knew we were a wedding party so I think they let us off. We then headed to Coya for dinner which was insane! Champagne flowed along with tasty wine and delicious food. We felt extremely happy. The restaurant were so accommodating and also allowed us to switch around making sure we all got to speak to each other. They let us crowd around one table to do a few drunken speeches too.

The whole day was perfect I wouldn’t have changed it for the world, it was better then I ever imagined and we also had the last day of the sunshine. The following day Borris announced the 10am curfew and it rained all day, we were so lucky!

I can’t quite believe I have a husband. A week later we jetted of on our ‘Mini Moon’ to escape for a week, which I will tell you about next!

Today we have been married for a month.

Until Brazil…. All my love Mrs Kelsey x

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The Sten

With no clue with what was about to happen at the weekend, or where we were going, We packed our bags following the list of things to bring and we were collected at lunchtime on the Saturday.

I felt nervous and excited. I trust my friends so I knew they would pull it out of the bag with no surprises so I wasn’t really too worried, but not having a clue about anything was a strange feeling. I couldn’t believe nothing had been let slip.

Mike and I had discussed a few years ago that if we were to ever get married we would have a joint hen and stag do, a ‘Sten.’ if I’m honest I didn’t really think it would ever happen as I thought our friends would be against the idea but when we told them they loved it.

We have a big friendship group, most of the guys are my friends too and we all get along really well. I can never understand why it always has to be all girls and all boys, so we thought, why not have a big party with everyone we love present. That, and we hate the concept of ‘stag and hen’ dos. They often put insecurities into relationships, pressure to do things you might not want to do and can end in lac of communication from both parties which end in arguments and a miserable few days on return. Ok, I talk from experience, I hate stag dos, but I had no force on Mike for teaming up he loved the idea, so the Sten it was.

I felt quite tipsy as we were arriving to the house. Our friends Georgie and Jack had picked us up and brought Rosé & Prosecco for the journey. I think I might have been more apprehensive then I thought as I seemed to be necking my glass rather quickly. We pulled up to this huge White House in Beccles Suffolk. It was a very big mansion on lots of land, with about 20 plus bedrooms and 30 of our friends waiting outside, I couldn’t believe it. Our friends let off confetti bangers as we got out of the car. I cried, it was already amazing and we hadn’t even started.

The girls gave us the grand tour and showed us to our bedroom where on the bed laid rainbow coloured outfits for the evening made by our very talented friend. Some white trousers and a colourful hat for me and a jazzy pair of silver Speedo’s and a colourful shirt for mike. They told us to get changed and for me to put on my bikini and meet them downstairs. I was starting to guess that it might be a very colourful party, thankfully I had brought a colourful(ish) bikini with me.

We walked downstairs and outside. Oh my, there was a pool surrounded by all our friends, blow up unicorn floats, music, bbq food, a glitter stand, balloons, colourful vodka jellies and soo much booze, it was magical. We chatted with our friends, jumped into the pool, drank, ate and jumped into the pool some more. At one point Mike was stark bullock naked being thrown around and I was topless just having the best time in the pool, back flipping and all sorts. It was already out of control and the night hadn’t even begun. I got covered in glitter and was in my absolute element. We played games which were so fun. MR and Mrs, bubblegum in flour, pin the willy on Mike and a balloon game. I must have drank 20 vodka jellies at this point let alone all the other alcohol flying around.

After a hell of a lot of fun, we changed for the evening. I hardly remembered this part I was already starting to feel rather hammered. We changed into our colourful rainbow Lycra and went downstairs. All of our friends were by the pool in bright colourful, rainbow coloured clothes. Ahh we finally got it, it was Pride theme! (We bloody love Pride) Daisy covered me in more glitter and henna ready for the night ahead and off we all went to eat the delicious Caribbean food that was being cooked for us. I’m so glad there was food at this point, looking back on the photos I definitely wasn’t sober. There were two party rooms in the house. One took you about 5 minutes to get to down this long, slightly eary hallway with loud music and disco lights. The other was the house music room, I didn’t make it to that room, apart from when I seemed to get lost and walked in and found Mike smothered by naked men on top of him. Now that’s a party.

I had so much fun! Mike and I danced to Elton and I danced all night, until I was spun around so fast I had to run to the toilet to throw up and seemed to never return. (We had been drinking for 12 hours straight and it was 1am.) I remember asking my friend for Mike and he came straight up and snuggled next to me and we both passed out. I woke up the following morning fully dressed, covered in glitter and I was kind of cross at myself for going to bed at 1am (I like to be one of the last people standing) Mike however was very pleased I had called him as apparently he was ready for bed but couldn’t leave the boys. We went down to breakfast with everyone. I felt horrific and could hardly eat the food in front of me but I knew Rosé and sunshine would get me through day number two.

Half of our friends left after breakfast as it was only meant to be for one night initially but the girls had changed it to two nights last minute which was great as I love making a weekend of things but it did mean not everyone could stay.

After breakfast we sat by the pool in the sunshine chatting, drinking and curing our hangovers. The day was perfect, just what you needed after a heavy day of partying. We drank Rosé, margaritas, champagne and chatted and laughed all day.

Mike and I had a lovely bath tub in our room that had a wonderful view of the outside garden. I bathed in it with one of my friends, whilst we sipped Rosé and chatted about all sorts, it was wonderful and I was very pleased I got to make the most of the bath. Later that evening I lay on the grass with Yas and Meg giggling for hours (ok we had a few drops of the natural mushroom oil) but it was just magical, we had the best time, I laid next to Mike and we too giggled about silly stories. It was a perfect end to a perfect weekend. I tried to stay awake until the early hours with us all partying in one of the rooms, Mike had gone to bed but I wasn’t going to be defeated and then it hit 2am and I took myself to bed thank god, I was exhausted!

The weekend was perfect, we were so lucky with the weather and everyone made such an effort, we felt truly blessed and grateful for the amazing friends in our lives and our amazing bridal party that made the weekend so unforgettable.

What a weekend, I think we may do a reunion before Brazil next year, I mean how could we not!?

Mike and I made a little promise to eachother that even though we wanted to enjoy the weekend we wouldn’t forget about us two and we didn’t. Even though we both had all of our friends there we still made time for eachother. Little moments where we danced, caught up, kissed and didn’t forget about each other. This meant that we left our weekend together reminiscing on the weekend we had spent with our friends but also with each other which made the whole thing even better.

I get to marry this man! ❤️

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Letting go of control… A COVID Wedding part 1

Well it’s safe to say it’s certainly been a very strange year. I still pinch myself to check if it’s all a very weird dream or if this shit is actually happening.

Covid. (I am so done with even writing the word let alone saying it!)

A few months ago Mike and I were toing and froing on what to do about our Brazilian wedding. We hadn’t really discussed it with each other until we took a trip to Southwold for a weekend get away. I think we had both been avoiding the subject as it all felt far too stressful. One night in Southwold we went out for dinner, which ended in tears due to us talking ‘wedding realisation’ for most of the night. We discussed whether it was starting to become about having a wedding and putting on a party for other people without really doing what might be best for us. I found myself getting really upset and confused, thinking the worst and struggling to see a positive outcome.

The following day we were sat by the water eating fresh seafood and oysters when an elderly man stumbled over and sat on our table. I was rather baffled at first, people don’t tend sit next to you during Covid, nor have a chat with you and he had sat himself down, started stroking our dog and started talking to us.

What an amazing man. He was 92. He told us that he lived through the Spanish flu and how much worse it was then corona virus, that we will all get through this but he strongly feels life has to go on. He told us how devastated he was when they made the vulnerable stay home. He said “this will kill me, I would rather die enjoying my life, doing the things I want to do.” Like driving an hour and half every Saturday to enjoy his fish and chips by the sea, walking his neighbours dog everyday and going to Waitrose to do his weekly shop. We must have sat with him for nearly an hour chatting about our lives. We told him we that we were supposed to be getting married in brazil this year but we are not sure what will happen. I remember him saying to us, “why rush, you can see your in love and a wedding can wait.” I feel like subconsciously it sat with me. After we finished chatting he thanked us so much for giving him our time and told us how grateful he was for the chat and that we had made his day. I felt inspired and positive, it should have been us thanking him. 

When we returned back to our bed and breakfast we were still thoughtful about whether or not to keep the wedding, I kept coming up with ideas and different countries that may not be so affected. What was the point. We both wanted the place we had found in the north of Brazil, tree houses to sleep in, free yoga, the sea outside our bedroom window. We had spent so much time searching for a place we loved that the thought of cancelling made us feel uneasy and really sad. We finally made a decision after speaking with a friend that we would stick with Brazil knowing most of our friends were still happy to travel with the hope that everything would be ok by December.

After returning from Southwold we had dinner planned with Mum and Ollie. I knew it was going to be about the wedding but we had made our minds up, we wanted to get married in Brazil even if there ended up being 10 of us. Mum and ollie sat us down and of course the topic was all about the wedding just as we had guessed. They told us they think we should postpone. Tears fell from my eyes. Mike told me he didn’t care about the wedding, that he just wanted to marry me which made me cry even more “ I have bought my dress” I cried, “and we really wanted Brazil?!” it was such a lovely thing for him to say but for me I had planned in my head how it was going to be, we had invited our family and friends and even though I never knew I really wanted to be a ‘proper’ bride that walks down an isle in a wedding dress, I think I had started to want it. He hugged me tightly trying to understand but he was right, you can get lost in it all.

We came to realise we hadn’t actually thought about flights possibly getting cancelled,(even though ours had already been cancelled) last minute changes, our friends and family travelling a long way with the chance of not being able to explore and family in Brazil maybe not being able to make it either. There was so much to think about, my head felt heavy at the thought.

We finally came to the decision that we would postpone the wedding until next September and keep the ‘official bit’ this year but make it a little more special. (which I’ll write about later)

We planned to have the wedding party a year to date of the ‘official’ in Brazil so it would be our first anniversary, rather then just another date in the diary. We realised we also got engaged around the same date so it all started to come together in my mind as something rather special. When we left dinner we felt like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders. We could actually start to enjoy planning a wedding without (hopefully) worrying about Covid, that we could stop worrying about how other people were going to feel being there during these uncertain times and that we were still going to marry eachother officially because that’s what it’s really all about. I felt extremely emotional and sad for a few days, I was relieved yet the thought and the change hurt me. It was challenging, learning to let go of something completely out of my control.

We wanted to let all of our friends know about our decision before the ‘Sten’ which was coming up that weekend. We knew everyone would be asking and we thought it was fair that everyone should know beforehand especially as some had already booked their flights, so we messaged all our friends the following day. The messages that came back broke me into pieces, they were so kind and full of love that I just cried. It taught me that no matter what, these people love us and want to be there for us. You can spend so much time worrying about what other people think but really the people that love you most always understand. Even if there were a few that may have been disappointed or a few that were most likely relieved they never said it, they just all supported us and our decision.

The wedding venue also sent us the kindest most touching email which was completely understanding, full of positivity and with the hope that next year will be even more special. It made us feel so much more connected with them, they weren’t just a venue anymore. I kept telling myself, everything happens for a reason, onwards and upwards.

Thankfully we had the excitement coming up with the Sten weekend which I was sure would take out minds off it all.

The Sten, to be continued…

Laughter Therapy

“Laughter is, and always has been the best form of therapy”

I’m not sure I have ever laughed so much in my life. I sat on the grass, in a field surrounded by chamomile flowers, Rosé, and my friends. I remember my friend whispering in my ear “you really needed this, this is great for you, this is your laughter therapy” she was right. I sat and laughed for hours. Not a worry in the world, not an insecurity on how I looked or who was judging me. Just the power of laughter and freedom.

I have been interested in Psychedelics for a while, but if i’m honest they frighten me. I have read and heard enough about them that I think I understand the benefits can be incredible (if taken correctly of course). Studies show in some cases they can even lead to recovery from anxiety, depression and addiction.

LSD centres are becoming quite well known. They are controlled and you are in a completely safe place. This is how I would prefer to take LSD (that’s if I ever took it). My biggest fear is having a bad trip and never recovering.
I have looked into Iowaska in Brazil and i’ve heard amazing things, but the thing that puts me off is the vomiting. Apparently you can throw up for hours and this is a way of your body cleansing itself.
Mushrooms I am not so frightened of as I guess they are the most common. They are legal in Amsterdam and the vast majority of my friends have taken them. I havent. I came close once when I was traveling when we made friends with a Mexican guy who thought it would be fun to take them on the beach in Thailand. We decided that it was a crazy idea due to us not knowing him all that well and maybe we just weren’t ready at that stage in our life. The closest I came to taking them was having a few sips of a mushroom shake at a half moon party. The shake tasted like chocolate milk and I remember being too frightened to drink a whole one to myself. Since then I have never really been exposed to them, apart from at festivals, but I wanted them to be more of an experience not recreational so I avoided them.

My friend told me she had some Mushroom oil. It was £150 for the tiniest pot of liquid. Completely natural, no chemicals and fillers, just pure 100% extracted mushroom oil. She told me it makes you giggle and feel all silly and she promised me you didn’t trip like taking Mushrooms whole, unless you were to take too much…I guess. She told me I would love it. I thought about it and what was I really scared of!? I knew she had taken it already and lived to tell the tale and I trust her immensely so knew she wouldn’t lie to me about the effects. I thought, why not push myself out of my comfort zone and let go a little!?

We sat in this wonderful field, behind another field of beautiful peonies and on the other side of an aqua blue clay pool. Just like being in the Caribbean! Well, not quite, as we were in a farmers field. We drank, chatted about life and danced to music. Ohh what a glorious day we had. The sun was scorching and the views were picturesque. We had a few drops over the course of the day and at first I just felt happy and relaxed, until I cycled to the shop on a Tandem with Mike when the wind hit my face and the laughter poured out of us both.
The giggles lasted for hours and colours surrounding us intensified. The sky so blue and nature so glorious. At one moment I laughed so much I cried. Tears ran down my face, my imagination ran wild and I dreamt such magical things. Just pure happiness…
At sunset we walked to the top of a hill, danced in circles, smiled at life and at the beauty of this wonderful moment.

When dark started to fall we decided to walk home. Even the walk home was magical! We sipped warm rum, lay in corn fields staring at the sky, at the stars, just letting go of everything. Just being completely in the moment. It took us three hours to get home, but what a great three hours they were.

Mike and I lay in bed in the early hours chatting and reminiscing on probably one of the most memorable days of our lives and a day we will never forget. We woke up to no regret, no hangover and so many happy memories.

Sometimes I get so caught up in feeling insecure and anxious or hormonal and irritable that I forget what it is like to really laugh. That week I hadn’t been feeling so great. I felt body conscious, pressure from looking too much at social media and un-excepting of change and myself. I look back at that moment of laughter and I must’ve had so much bottled up inside me, it was a release. I couldn’t stop.
I feel grateful for my friends, for that moment and for trusting myself and letting go. For not feeling afraid as there was no need and for just embracing what my body was telling me I needed to feel.

I remember watching movies when I was younger and seeing hippies dancing around a field. I wanted to be those hippies one day, to explore that side of me. Well, I think I finally did it.

Back to reality?

I had a phone call from my mum this morning. “Get prepared I think you may be going back to work on Monday” I paused for a second, “ohh, really? ok then.” Thoughts rushed through my head, am I ready to go back? what am I sacred of? I panicked.

She told me she was getting stressed with the preparation and that she had so much to do. This is what frightens me, I feel calm, I don’t want to feel stressed, is that selfish? I feel I have become slightly frightened of the real world, frightened of life going back to normal. I mean, don’t get me wrong I don’t want to stay in this un known for much longer, I can’t wait to hug my friends, kiss my family and start to explore the world again, but I also don’t want to feel exhausted and overworked. I have learnt I can stay up watching movies and tv series without falling asleep at 9pm and the sound of my alarm clock brings dread to my ears. “Can we not ease ourselves in gently? stay calm and drift through the day to find our feet again?” I said to mum. Maybe I have become lazy. Then more thoughts sprung to mind…have I made the most of my time off?  I’m overthinking again.

I had a disagreement with Mike last night as he is planning to see his friend next week for a social distance bike ride on a Friday if the rules ease a little. He’s still working, so during the day he is in his office most the time and it has only been two weeks since our house mate moved out and we have gained our own space and time back together. Weekends are for us now aren’t they? Family bike rides? chats and silly giggles after too much wine? I took offence. We have spent 7 months with our friend, pretty much the whole of lock-down as a three and now it’s just us he wants to leave me alone for a day to be with his friends. Totally irrational of me really, I was just feeling sensitive, insecure and frightened of things going back to reality, and selfishly what will I do? I can’t really see anyone properly. Christ, the fear of spending a Friday day and night all on my own. Maybe I am ready to go back to work.

The thing is, I love my work, I love the people I work with, I love the clients that bring so much joy, I love the gossip, the girly chats and the routine. I don’t like the stress, the long hours and working weekends but most people can relate to that and that’s life. I never in my life thought I couldn’t work, i’m actually a bit of a work-aholic, ok maybe not completely by choice but I have always worked since I can remember. So this time off came as quite a shock, but definitely in a time of need. In all fairness I was only supposed to be off for 3 weeks so I should be grateful I gained another 3 weeks to rest. So maybe I have just enjoyed the calm a little too much and I need a good slap round the face to snap me back into reality.

I hope for the peoples sake, who own small businesses, run their own companies and people who have lost their jobs that reality comes back sooner rather than later. But I also think it’s ok to have enjoyed your time off,  if your lucky enough like me and haven’t had too many worries. We are all human after all and we all have are own thoughts and fears. I guess we will sit tight and find out more on Sunday.

So for now, I need to spend some time getting back into ‘work mode’ and I guarantee once i’m there I will love it all over again!