Our Paradise ‘Wedding’

It’s been nearly 5 months since our paradise wedding, how has time gotten away from us so quickly!? What was nearly two years of plans changing, rearranging, waiting, and back and forth ideas, it’s gone just like that! But the memories stay and the memories are what make it all worth it.

if I’m honest I have been thinking about the ‘Wedding’ a lot lately. I seem to have hit a bit of a slippery slope in my overthinking mind. The stress I went through the week before the wedding knocked me back and it’s been quite the challenge since, to try and not let other things in my life stress me. I have been triggered and now no matter how small or big an issue is I’m feeling like I can’t correctly deal with them.

I started negatively questioning our ‘wedding’. Was it all worth the stress and anxiety? was it worth the money we spent? why did I worry so much about others rather than only focusing on us? The distance that we invited people to, was it too much? should we have had it closer to home? Was it the Paradise we dreamt of for so long?…STOP! I had to give myself a wake-up call, I have been driving myself mad. I knew this was all my mind obsessing and being controlling over me however I started to believe a part of it and then I realised, it was time to see my therapist again.

I sat hunched in the chair and blabbered away about all my thoughts, reasons why I’m maybe asking myself these negative questions, and hoping she will fix my crazy mind. She explained to me that when you experience something negative within a happy time, your brain only remembers the negative and tricks you into thinking everything was negative. “You have to practice telling yourself about all the wonderful moments that you had,” She told me. “And your brain will soon learn.” Christ, I hope it’s that easy. “Your mind is a powerful thing,” she told me. “Planning a wedding increases your dopamine levels which is why most people get a low after. On top of that people will disappoint you, your expectations will be high, you will want everything to go according to plan, you will want everyone to enjoy themselves and you may not deal with things the way you would normally. then anything whether it be big or small will trick your mind into thinking negative thoughts.” I knew she was right because I knew just how incredible our wedding was for us and just how incredibly lucky were to even get there.

So here it is, A POSITIVE story on our paradise wedding. (I remember from seeing her last time, that it’s always good to write things down, to help get rid of those negative thoughts!)

Arrival – We were welcomed with Coconuts filled with rum and Sunshine. After catching up, we got dressed and met in a villa where we had copious tequila shots followed by dinner at a local bar where they cooked us a feast and lit a bonfire in the sand. Some were tired from their journey, others from partying too hard so the night wasn’t a late one but it was a nice way to ease everyone in.

Day one – Everyone was recovering from their hangover. We woke in the morning at various times and headed for breakfast. It was a cloudy day and there was quite the bluster of wind. It wasn’t sunbathing weather although we tried, the boys created beach cricket out of sticks which was so fun. In the afternoon Dad made us watermelon daiquiris and later I prepared with the caterers for the evening events as Mike was out collecting friends that had not yet arrived. The weather did worry me, I prayed to hope the following day (the wedding) would be sunny but told myself it didn’t matter as we were in paradise. That evening I had arranged delicious Canapes, fish & veggie coconut curry, and rum punch on arrival. We had candles, fairy lights, sarongs, and chairs surrounding our Villa with big speakers ready for our Brazilian friend to sing and play the guitar. As the night progressed we were dancing and singing (karaoke happened!) and it was great, just how we imagined the first night to commence. At about 2 am before we went to bed, some of us girls skinny-dipped and ran into the sea. It was so windy Lou lost all of her clothes so we screamed and sent our friend Joe to swim and get them back who was now, also stark bollock naked. I can picture it, Lou naked on the deck waiting for Joe to return her clothes as we laughed out loud!

Day 2 – The wedding day. We had organised breakfast for 9:30 am, I worried it may be a little early so I thought people would come and go as they pleased but most of us were up even earlier because guess what? The sky was blue and the sun was shining! Yes!! I opened my curtains with my eyes tightly shut and smiled as soon as the beams hit my face. We lay sunbathing before we were called for breakfast. The caterers laid it out on the balcony of the largest Villa (the one we called the bar) and everyone made it. We had fresh fruit, and an amazing spread of food, including the French Omelette Chef who was incredible and made us the tastiest omelets whilst telling us all about himself and his superb egg cooking skills. He was truly brilliant and made breakfast not only super tasty but fun. After Breakfast I went off to meet the decoration lady who seemed to have everything under control which meant I could go and chill by the pool. I dipped in and out of organising bits here and there but mostly spent the morning chilling. 2 pm came and I thought we better start getting showered and ready as the ceremony was supposed to be at 4 pm. I invited all the girls to get ready together with me and the bridesmaids as I didn’t want to leave anyone out and thought it would be nice for us to all drink champagne together. All was going well (although I was still in my bath towel at 3 pm greeting the guitarist and the band.) And then I had a minor eyeliner crisis, ironically probably my most stressful moment of the day. Make-up always goes wrong when you want it to look its best and the thing was I didn’t even need to have much on. My friend helped to sort me out but I delayed the ceremony by 45 minutes. Thankfully Mike had already messaged saying he was running 30 minutes late – like a true Brazilian. We took some photos and off we went walking down the stairs, through the trees on the sand, and into the conch shell aisle. I had both My dad and Ollie (my stepdad) walk me arm in arm down the aisle. it felt magical, I listened to the guitarist playing Bob Marley’s ‘is this love’ as I glanced at Mike standing by our wooden ‘altar’ in his linen clothes and trilby hat, my heart felt full.

Our friend Pete hosted the ceremony and he did such a fantastic job, it was perfect. He made us laugh, and cry and filled the beach with joy. Thank you, Pete. We said our vows (yes I remembered this time around) and the whole moment was emotional and personal surrounded by all the people we loved. After the ceremony, we had a few photos (we wanted these to be quick) followed by margaritas and canapes. The band played great tunes before we sat down for dinner. I had designed the dinner like a beach picnic with 4 wooden crates in two rows I wanted it to be relaxed. We had ceviche to start, followed by tacos, loads of margaritas, and of course key lime pie! We were in the Caribbean after all. Speeches were made, some great, some not so great (lol) but all so touching. After dinner, the Dj played and we danced by the pool. We did have a first dance, as the first time we heard this song we cried and knew we had to dance together to it. Elvis Presley – And The Grass Won’t Play No Mind. We mixed it up with Twist and Shout at the end so it wasn’t too smooshy. Afterwards, we danced, drank tequila shot after shot, and danced some more until the rain came at midnight. Some of us went back to one of the villas, got a little high, and danced and drank some more. What a day, it was perfect.

Day 3 – Reggae Day! We had arranged for this day to start at 2 pm so everyone could sleep in. We had a crazy, hilarious reggae band along with the most amazing BBQ jerk chicken, fish curry, and bottomless rum punch. (very strong rum punch!) We ate, drank, danced, and sang. It was really fun but also really chilled. It ended about 7 pm so most of the youngsters jumped into two golf buggies and drove off-road to a truck stop-style bar we had seen near the town. We Stayed there drinking and it turned out our guitarist from the wedding was playing music and singing, so he announced us on the mic and got us free tequila shots. The way home was ridiculously funny we were all hammered squished into two golf buggies throwing ice at each other down incredibly bumpy roads. We went back to one of the villas, blasted house music until 3 am, and danced until I couldn’t dance anymore. I left for our villa feeling exhausted but so full of love.

Day 4 – The Boat Trip. This had been rather stressful to organise. We couldn’t afford to pay for the boat trip as after 3 days and all accommodation paid for we ran out of money. We asked those who wanted to join to pay £80 for a day cruise on a boat with sunset. The boat people were not flexible and demanded a certain number of people to make it worth taking the boat out. As the wedding drew close people started to drop out due to spending more money on flights and travel changes. It was stressful, and deep down I had spent so much time organising it that I really wanted it to go ahead. After a few tears and conversations, we made it work. The morning of the boat trip was windy and looked quite stormy. This was the last thing that I needed after all the stress but the charters kept saying it would clear. We risked it and it did, the sun came out (the wind stayed) but it was very chilled. We listened to music, drank, ate ceviche, snorkeled, and saw the most incredible sunset. Thank god! The boys had purchased some hash brownies so just before mooring we all had a bite not realising how strong they were, suddenly we were all stoned. The elders went back to the villas (not stoned) and we took about 20 minutes walking in circles to find a restaurant. We ended up at our caterer’s bar. (she was amazing throughout the whole wedding and became a friend who I still keep in touch with) She laid a long table for us where we ordered carb and food galore no one had much to say, we were for sure the definition of pretty monged and the bed was calling.

Day 5 – Home time (but not for us) We had breakfast and said our goodbyes. Some we were meeting in Mexico before Mike and I went off to have our honeymoon and others were off home. Mike and I spent the day clearing up and relaxing with his family from Brazil. We had a bbq, laid by the pool, and then cried and hugged each other goodbye.

Next stop… Mexico!

Wow, I feel so much better. What an incredible wedding. xxx

Side note – For any bride to be reading this… Your wedding is about the both of you no matter how you decide to have it, one wedding, two weddings, three… Like me, you deserve your paradise wedding. When that day/days come no matter the build-up and all the obstacles that might get in the way… don’t worry and breathe because your day is going to be just as beautiful as you are.

A Social Detox

Firstly ‘Happy’ New Year…Lockdown 3.0. Well I guess we all expected it.

I scrolled through Instagram on January 2nd and nearly every post I came across was negative or wishing on a better year for 2021(of course.) I sat thinking to myself is it selfish to think that 2020 was a pretty good year for me. Every post had the same feeling, the same words, the same hope that this year will be better. I mean we all hope this year will be better and Covid would bugger off already but did they all really have such a terrible year? Some people must have had the worst year of their lives. Loosing jobs, becoming homeless, loosing family and friends. However, I shouldn’t think you would find the majority of these people posting on instagram.

I decided to join the goodbye 2020 Social Media party myself. But instead of writing goodbye 2020 in a negative form, I thought I should write a post and be true to myself, that 2020 for me personally had been a pretty good year and I am extremely grateful for that. I hovered my finger over the ‘post’ button for about 10 minutes. Should I really be saying that 2020 was in many ways positive for me? I didn’t want to offend anyone or preach about my life during a pandemic. However, I also thought, are we not all meant to be encouraging people to be honest in the ‘Social Media world’? Or maybe I’m just completely overthinking. Anyway I pressed send and instantly regretted it until I got over it. This got me thinking…

In lockdown 1.0 I spent a lot of time on instagram. I wasn’t working, I was sun-bathing and apart from reading and listening to podcasts there was a whole new world on Instagram as pretty much everyone had stopped their lives. This meant exercises and challenges were going viral and I didn’t want to miss out on a thing. I have never been mentally great with Social media. I let things affect me far too much. All it takes is me seeing one thing that doesn’t sit well and that’s pretty much my day ruined. This happened a fair few times in lockdown 1.0. I even wrote about one of them. Mike tried to get me to come off and I couldn’t. Like an addict I told him I can’t, I didn’t want to miss out… miss out on what!?? I spoke to my therapist about it who told me to just limit my daily usage rather than leaving completely, which I did and I most definitely felt better and as parts of life returned to a little more ‘normal’, I used it less and less.

Before January 2nd I think I had got back into the habit again. The pause over the Christmas break and work not starting until January 5th meant once again I had too much time on my hands and rather than filling it with activities to benefit me, that magnet on the end of my finger drew me straight to Instagram, scrolling daily. I kept seeing things that were bothering me, making me fell uneasy when maybe they shouldn’t, but they did. This then lead to me not being able to remove the things I had seen from my head and I even found myself thinking about them before I went to sleep most nights. On January 2nd after I had posted my goodbye positive 2020 post, I couldn’t believe how much time and thought I had wasted worrying about what other people may think of me. It was then I decided I need a break, a detox.

There will always be things that are going to upset me. There are people I follow that I wish I didn’t but I feel harsh removing them from my ‘Social Media’ life incase they find out. Seriously? And yes I did have a pretty good 2020. I most certainly hit rock bottom at times but I picked myself up and I learnt a lot. I got married, I had a mini moon in Corfu, I went to the Philippines, I swam with whale sharks, I had the most amazing ‘Sten Do,’ I wrote messages/emails to people that had hurt me and I told them how I felt, I had time to reflect and stop. I stopped rushing around, I watched friends become creative, I made new friends, I walked a lot, I adopted the most wonderful greyhound. We made our home more of a home and I enjoyed date nights and time just Mike and I without any pressures of having to go out. I learnt to be by myself more and actually enjoyed it. I honestly thought the wedding and the stress of all plans changing would break me but it didn’t, it taught me that what will be will be in life and you can’t control a thing, except the amount of time you spend on social media!

I had the whole thing sussed, and when talking about it to my mum I noticed the panic in her face… “You can’t stop I need you to be using it for work, daily!” So I’m having a break from my own instagram and using the work platform however there’s only clients really on there so I don’t ever scroll, I just post and hit the occasional like button.

It’s a start. After all work is work but I honestly feel better already, apart from missing out on Emma Lous amazing recipes… So I’m relying on my friends to screen shot the important ones.

I truly hope 2021 is more positive especially for those that are suffering.

xxx

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  Elvis xx

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Laughter Therapy

“Laughter is, and always has been the best form of therapy”

I’m not sure I have ever laughed so much in my life. I sat on the grass, in a field surrounded by chamomile flowers, Rosé, and my friends. I remember my friend whispering in my ear “you really needed this, this is great for you, this is your laughter therapy” she was right. I sat and laughed for hours. Not a worry in the world, not an insecurity on how I looked or who was judging me. Just the power of laughter and freedom.

I have been interested in Psychedelics for a while, but if i’m honest they frighten me. I have read and heard enough about them that I think I understand the benefits can be incredible (if taken correctly of course). Studies show in some cases they can even lead to recovery from anxiety, depression and addiction.

LSD centres are becoming quite well known. They are controlled and you are in a completely safe place. This is how I would prefer to take LSD (that’s if I ever took it). My biggest fear is having a bad trip and never recovering.
I have looked into Iowaska in Brazil and i’ve heard amazing things, but the thing that puts me off is the vomiting. Apparently you can throw up for hours and this is a way of your body cleansing itself.
Mushrooms I am not so frightened of as I guess they are the most common. They are legal in Amsterdam and the vast majority of my friends have taken them. I havent. I came close once when I was traveling when we made friends with a Mexican guy who thought it would be fun to take them on the beach in Thailand. We decided that it was a crazy idea due to us not knowing him all that well and maybe we just weren’t ready at that stage in our life. The closest I came to taking them was having a few sips of a mushroom shake at a half moon party. The shake tasted like chocolate milk and I remember being too frightened to drink a whole one to myself. Since then I have never really been exposed to them, apart from at festivals, but I wanted them to be more of an experience not recreational so I avoided them.

My friend told me she had some Mushroom oil. It was £150 for the tiniest pot of liquid. Completely natural, no chemicals and fillers, just pure 100% extracted mushroom oil. She told me it makes you giggle and feel all silly and she promised me you didn’t trip like taking Mushrooms whole, unless you were to take too much…I guess. She told me I would love it. I thought about it and what was I really scared of!? I knew she had taken it already and lived to tell the tale and I trust her immensely so knew she wouldn’t lie to me about the effects. I thought, why not push myself out of my comfort zone and let go a little!?

We sat in this wonderful field, behind another field of beautiful peonies and on the other side of an aqua blue clay pool. Just like being in the Caribbean! Well, not quite, as we were in a farmers field. We drank, chatted about life and danced to music. Ohh what a glorious day we had. The sun was scorching and the views were picturesque. We had a few drops over the course of the day and at first I just felt happy and relaxed, until I cycled to the shop on a Tandem with Mike when the wind hit my face and the laughter poured out of us both.
The giggles lasted for hours and colours surrounding us intensified. The sky so blue and nature so glorious. At one moment I laughed so much I cried. Tears ran down my face, my imagination ran wild and I dreamt such magical things. Just pure happiness…
At sunset we walked to the top of a hill, danced in circles, smiled at life and at the beauty of this wonderful moment.

When dark started to fall we decided to walk home. Even the walk home was magical! We sipped warm rum, lay in corn fields staring at the sky, at the stars, just letting go of everything. Just being completely in the moment. It took us three hours to get home, but what a great three hours they were.

Mike and I lay in bed in the early hours chatting and reminiscing on probably one of the most memorable days of our lives and a day we will never forget. We woke up to no regret, no hangover and so many happy memories.

Sometimes I get so caught up in feeling insecure and anxious or hormonal and irritable that I forget what it is like to really laugh. That week I hadn’t been feeling so great. I felt body conscious, pressure from looking too much at social media and un-excepting of change and myself. I look back at that moment of laughter and I must’ve had so much bottled up inside me, it was a release. I couldn’t stop.
I feel grateful for my friends, for that moment and for trusting myself and letting go. For not feeling afraid as there was no need and for just embracing what my body was telling me I needed to feel.

I remember watching movies when I was younger and seeing hippies dancing around a field. I wanted to be those hippies one day, to explore that side of me. Well, I think I finally did it.

Over Thinking Minds!

I am an over thinker. When I over think, that something stays in my head for quite a while and I really struggle to shift it, this is precisely why I like to keep as busy as possible.

Self isolation/furlough day 3. I’m struggling.

Last night I didn’t sleep well at all something was playing on my mind and it was stupidly caused by me. I made the mistake of looking at something on social media that for weeks I have stopped myself from doing and for some reason at the end of my ‘very productive’ day yesterday I looked, why? I could blame the fact someone tagged me in something that led me there, but that would just be pointing the finger and not excepting that basically I fucked up. Damn. So today I have moped all day, I’m tired, the boys are working so I’m feeling extremely lonely, the thoughts in my head are continuous and I can’t stop bloody overthinking!

Yesterday I had great day, I pretty much stayed in the kitchen all day. The day started off with me making CBD massage balm with Gilley (our mate/ tenant) followed by smoothies and a little mediation. I made smooth peanut butter crunchy, (I basically cheated.) I prepared and made homemade chicken and leek pie for dinner and then delivered two to my mum as a little treat and I made chicken stock with the left over bones. later that evening I did my favourite yoga class and finished the evening with the boys drinking red wine, eating my (I have to say DELICIOUS) pie followed by lots of giggles, I throughly enjoyed every single second.

And then there’s today… I couldn’t even get inspired to cook, so instead I have read recipe books all day and only made myself hungry, folded clothes and pretended to learn Brazilian Portuguese by putting on the podcast and using it as background sound. I understand everyday is going to be different and I can’t kick myself or feel guilty for having un productive days, I never have them and I should enjoy them whilst I can. However I should practice what I preach and set my day off with a good intention. Your day will only start off how you allow it too, and in my case this morning I woke feeling crappy, did absolutely zilch about it so in return my day quite frankly has been pretty crappy which is really annoying.

I practice this a lot in my therapy sessions. Learning that you are responsible for your own self, your own thoughts and only you can control them. I know all the correct answers deep down, I just have to learn to bring them to the surface and the best way I can release my thoughts in my overthinking mind is by writing, because when I write I feel better.

I thought I would write down and share a few pointers from my therapy sessions to help me be reminded that it’s ok to have negative overthinking thoughts and just incase anyone else is having an off day and needs a little re assuring too.

Taking Control of your thoughts and feelings.

• When negative thoughts and feelings arise, it’s important to reduce and get rid of them as quickly as possible – INCORRECT (me trying to keep busy…)
• Trying to reduce or get rid of negative thoughts and feelings frequently causes problems. If I simply allow them to be, then they will change as a natural part of living. – CORRECT
• Having negative thoughts and feelings is an indication that I am physiologically un healthy or I’ve got issues – INCORRECT
• Having negative thoughts and feelings means I am a normal human being – CORRECT
• I will become ‘happy’ and ‘healthy’ by improving my ability to avoid, reduce or get rid of negative thoughts and feelings. INCORRECT
• I will become ‘happy’ and ‘healthy’ by allowing negative thoughts and feelings to come and go of their own accord and learn to live effectively when they are present. CORRECT

PATIENCE- A form of wisdom, it demonstrates that we accept the fact that sometimes things must unfold in their own time. We intentionally remind ourselves not to be inpatient with ourselves because we are tense, agitated or frightened. We give ourselves room to have these experiences, why? because we are having them anyway each moment in your life is that moment.

ACCEPTANCE – Seeing things as they actually are in the present. If you have a headache, accept that you have a headache. in the course of our daily lives, we often waste a lot of energy denying and resisting that is already fact. When we do that, we are basically trying to force situations to be the way we would like them to be, which only creates more tension, which actually prevents positive change from occurring. Acceptance sets the stage for acting appropriately in your life, no matter what is happening.

I feel better already!

And lastly a Rumi quote, because Rumi is just the power of positivity.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi

 

 

 

 

Wedding Abroad?

Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in long time, I started to feel like I had hit rock bottom and I kept thinking, is this going to pass?! And of course it did, it’s Monday and it’s new week finally! 

The jet lag from the Philipines was pretty bad, I was awake from 4am most days which was a struggle in it’s self and I was extremely over tired. On Monday I woke at 3:30am and decided to go downstairs, acting like a crazy woman cleaning out the fridge followed by writing my whole blog on the Philipines which I still havent posted because to be honest I felt so shitty mentally for the rest of the week I just couldn’t face it, I couldn’t face anything. I’m never particularly strong when I return from a holiday the change in the weather going from 30 degrees to basically nearly in it’s minus is always rather challenging and hitting straight back into reality is often a shock to the system. The sky was also grey every damn day last week, which made everything ten times worse.

On Monday we sent out our wedding invites, we had created a website on holiday together to send out to all of our friends and family so it was supposed to be quite an exciting week, gathering all the people and I guess I thought there would be excitement from my friends that we had finally got ourselves organised. I was wrong. It started with my Dad. I sent him a message as he hadn’t responded, a long with a few of my friends which to be honest I did think was a little strange at the time, but I thought maybe I set my expectations too high. My Dad of of course did his usual, letting me down in a nasty way. He didn’t say he wasn’t coming but he said it was ‘difficult for him to close his business for me’ which of course I bit back and told him if it was too much effort to not bother. As usual he fought his corner and told me it was his life and I’m wrong for choosing somewhere so far away to get married, forgetting completely that this is my wedding we are talking about and that far or near he should be there no matter what. It shattered me to be honest, I should have seen it coming as he did the same to my sister, but he always had an excuse with her that he didn’t approve of her marriage however with me there’s no excuse, not that there ever should be. He will come, like he did eventually come to my sisters wedding but he makes it seem so difficult and it makes me so angry, that hand on heart I would rather him not come if he doesn’t want to be there. Anyway he ‘plans’ to come, so we shall see.

After my dad followed 4 of my close girl friends, two of which had reasons out of there control but I couldn’t help but feel let down by them all. I couldn’t understand that if you said you were going to come from the beginning then why would it change, and why if you had concerns about money or if you had other plans for the year, why would you not talk to me about them back in September when we announced it was in Brazil.

We chose a Venue that was a little pricy and we agreed on it even though we knew that the rooms we didn’t fill we would have to pay for however not expecting we might be left with more then we thought, as there were people we knew for sure were coming from the beginning so we had a rough estimate of numbers. I know we are asking a lot from people, it’s a lot of money to spend and I completely expected half the people we invited not to be able to come but I guess when you are really close to certain people you just think they would go that extra mile and that Brazil is an incredible place (in my eyes) so it’s a chance to see a part of the world you may never see also. But maybe that’s selfish of me and we are not all the same.

I returned home on Friday evening in a crying mess. I basically fell on my friend who lives with us, poured myself a wine, ran a bath, shoved in my head phones and listened to the Tesky Brothers (my new found loves!) loudly, and cried for about an hour hysterically. I actually think I just needed a good cry, I had built up so much shit from the week my thoughts were unsettling and I think crying and locking myself away from the world for a little bit made me feel a little whole again. Mike rang me (not realising what sate I would be in) and straight away he knew how to calm me down and he said exactly the right things I needed to hear in that moment, it really made me appreciate even more how lucky I am to have him.

Apart of me felt flattened, it’s my fault I wanted to get married in Brazil, i’m expecting too much from my friends, maybe people never wanted to come but didn’t want to say. I sat in the kitchen with Mike and said maybe it was a mistake having a wedding abroad, what if no one can come. ‘People will come’ he said, ‘it will just be those who really want to be there, and those are who really matter’ It really put things into perspective for me, having a wedding abroad isn’t a bad thing, we chose this because it’s what we wanted and right from the start we said we would have a small wedding with our closest friends and then have a party back in the UK and i’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. To be honest it’s really surprised me those who have said they are coming and those who have said they are not. One of our couple friends said to me “honey, that’s what credit cards are for’ she doesn’t know how much that little sentence made my day. What will be will be and all I want is to be standing on a beach with the man of my dreams marrying him, and by the looks of it we are getting the small wedding we wanted in the first place.

This week is a new week, and i’m over it. I upset those closest to me by pushing them away from feeling so hurt last week and I told mum on Saturday I didn’t want her at my Registry Office ceremony because something in me just went cold, I lost the care. Thankfully after a while she understood I didn’t mean it and knew I had, had a shitty week she told me she loved me and squeezed me tightly. It’s all superficial nonsense and as I sat with my friend saddened, I apologised because she’s going through something far more challenging then people not coming to Brazil for our wedding but she told me “we all have our own shit to deal with Steff, what matters to you might not matter to others, but it’s hurt you.’

What have I learnt from last week? You know who your true friends are in moments of crazy and I definitely need to go back to therapy, I emailed two people today!

 

 

had a rough estimate of numbers. I know we are asking a lot from people, it’s a lot of money to spend and I completely expected half the people we invited not to be able to come but I guess when you are really close to certain people you just think they would go that extra mile and that Brazil is an incredible place (in my eyes) so it’s a chance to see a part of the world you may never see also. But maybe that’s selfish of me and we are not all the same.

 had a rough estimate of numbers. I know we are asking a lot from people, it’s a lot of mo

You Can’t choose your family

We all know you can’t choose your family, even though we all go through moments where we wish we could. It’s been an on going thing throughout my life where my sister and I can’t seem to get on very well, we are two and a half years apart which is a tricky one. I believe, maybe if we were born closer or further apart we would be ok but the two and half years opens far to many doors to jealousy, let alone when you are two girls and your parents (parent..dad) maybe haven’t done the best at ensuring things are equal between you both. It actually feels me with great sadness, I yearn very much to have a close bond with my sister and sometimes we do and it’s wonderful but it never seems to last that long. People always used to say to me, “when you’re older and have children, you will be best friends” let’s pray for that day.

The Problem with us both not getting on well means that when it comes to family dinners (that rarely happen anyway) or the holiday we had in France a few months back. It seems to cause tension between us as a family, my mum and I and sometimes even Mike and I, so now mum has decided that’s its best to do things separately.

My sister lives away, she recently left the hotel she ran with her ex husband that she leased off my mum, and decided she was going to go and explore the world with a guy she met on a two week ‘flash packer’ trip. I mean good on her, I love traveling and she’s never done it and also who wants to work alongside their ex husband everyday? Surely that’s why he’s her ex. To begin with she had my support entirely, until it sunk in that she was leaving our family inheritance, (that coincidentally is directly opposite to where I work, another family business) leaving her country, (which she decided she hated) and leaving us, her family. I started to find it was a very selfish decision. Fine leave for a few years ‘find yourself’ but don’t give everything up! I think looking back at the arguments across the kitchen table of me defending our ‘country’ and not being very understanding added to us not becoming the best of friends. She’s happy and that’s the main thing, life is for living and it’s nice to see her happy traveling, smiling and seeing the world, but there is still something niggling away at her that she now is only starting to admit. She’s jealous of the business Mum and I run together, why?

So it’s safe to say this year hasn’t all been roses, even though my last blog was full of them. However my sister leaving and the family disputes have most definitely caused a rift between my mum and I and it all came to heads the other day.

I work with my mum everyday, so of course there is going to be the occasional disagreement/argument but it’s rare for us. However the last 6 months have been up and down, what with my hormones, her hormones (even though she believe’s she’s through the menopause!) and this whole niggling of me feeling left out of family affairs. I spend a lot of time with my friends, which upsets mum because I probably have withdrawn myself slowly from my family.

We are very open people and we will always say what we think, strange though that when it comes to deeper more meaningful stuff we tend to avoid the chat. I’m not going to give you a sob story as I am very fortunate and have been very lucky in my life. however I have come from a broken home (a messy one) I hardly see/speak to my dad which I think sometimes gets me down without realising and my mum, I love her too pieces but she’s not the most motherly of mums, which is also hard sometimes let alone with her being my boss.

So there have been a few niggles. I have made little remarks at her when I have felt she has belittled me or made feel insecure without realising, she’s also been extra bossy with me lately so I started to feel quite inferior. On Thursday last week, she pulled me in her office for a chat. ouch! We sat at the table and the tears flooded through us both as we cried and told each-other how we felt. I explained that these last few months I have felt distant and asked, when was the last time she invited me over for dinner without my sister being there. It just doesn’t happen and now that those dinners wont happen either, well we are screwed. She cried and told me she felt I didn’t include her with my friends enough and that they are always my priority. We spoke about work and that it’s always about work even when it shouldn’t be. We spoke about my sister and the way we both get jealous of mum spending time with each of us. You see my sister doesn’t get it, I work with mum I don’t socialise with her and she still struggles to support us as business partners because she’s jealous and it eats away at me, I know it shouldn’t. My family is complicated.

We spoke about how all I want is my mum to tell me I look beautiful when trying on a wedding dresses rather then us both seeing it as a chore. We try on clothes constantly for a living it’s tough but I needed more.

My mum is tough, she got pulled out of school to work the market stools and left home when she was really young to look after herself. She had a very hard up bringing and has worked hard all her life and do I admire it. I know she loves me from the bottom of her heart, I know she wants to tell me i’m beautiful in the dress, I know she doesn’t mean to not give me an engagement card, she’s just not like that and I guess sometimes it’s hard when your yearning for it.

She hugged me tight as we both cried our eyes out in the kitchen, she told me I was beautiful. She did also tell me that she wishes I didn’t have so many friends who’s parents were still together and are all really family orientated people. I told her, this is why I started therapy because although I know that I am so so lucky, that I run a family business and I have great life, I often feel something is missing and this is something I yearn for. We had our moment in the kitchen, me in her arms and it made me feel so comforted and I didn’t want to let go.

We both tidied our faces and she told me “Steff you looked so beautiful in that dress, it’s the one” she also told me that she wishes so much she could grab me more and show me affection but somewhere in me growing up it got lost.

We all have family disputes but the great thing about families are moments like these, you can hate each other, shout and cry but no matter what they are there for you and it can all be fixed in a moment. The following evening she invited Mike and I over for dinner and it was just perfect. My next step is to show my sister we can work through this, and mum and I are in it for the long run, no matter what life throws at us!

On that note, go and tell a family member you love them.

Happy world kindness day.

Chao x

What even is Ordinary?

I sat in the therapy room alone this week, it’s the second time I’ve been on my own and it felt quite daunting.

I had been worrying all morning about what I should talk about. How do I feel today? am I anxious about anything in particular? where do I start? all those that know me well know I don’t have any trouble talking. I like to talk, this is different, this a small room with a sofa and a chair and a stranger who knows so much about you, maybe even more then what you know about yourself.

It started off quite well, of course I chatted about all things that must have been on my mind, its amazing that once you start you can’t stop and conversation just starts flowing out of your mouth. I go to therapy because I believe it will help me with my insecurities and the anxiety that my insecurities create. Already after a few sessions I am noticing I’m listening to my thoughts more and not reacting to all of them. If I can work on that, it will be a success. I believe going to therapy should be spoken about more and that letting people or your friends know that you do shouldn’t be embarrassing at all, I find the more people you tell the more people you find have been before or are going currently this makes you feel more at ease with the whole scenario.

We got to the end of our session,  I felt positive and ready to conquer some of my insecurities. “one last thing” she said to me, do you think that maybe your not ok with ordinary? that maybe you stretch mike to go on these lavish trips away and you’re not comfortable with living an ordinary life? this got me really thinking, what even is ordinary?

The whole journey back in the car I chatted to mike, I felt annoyed at myself for not settling with ordinary, I thought I was quite an easy going person, I love home comforts, I love being around my friends, I don’t need fancy restaurants and money to make me happy but yea I suppose I need holidays. I work hard, yes I need and love holidays and as I’ve said before I love traveling. It really played on my mind, does she think I’m spoilt? does she think I stretch mike? Thinking about it I do get bored very easily (bored is such a horrible word) and I do when I think about it like to stretch myself and keep my life exciting, the more I thought about it the less bad about myself I felt the more I realised that maybe she’s giving me some homework about me not being able to cope being on my own or able to enjoy my own company. chatting with mike made me feel better and made me understand that this is her job to leave you thoughtful. and I was certainly that.

Here I am on a Thursday evening after my 9 hour day at work, my yoga class got cancelled so the Pub was calling but I’m home alone, sitting, typing my blog, drinking my Pukka Night Time tea and catching up on Made In Chelsea (yes I know its rubbish) but its easy tv! is this ordinary?

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling slightly anxious and unsettled, its a working progress.

One thing I have learnt this week, Mike kindly reminded me, thanks to Dolly Alderton ‘You will never know what your therapist truly thinks of you, you need to let go of that thought to make progress!’  and there I was worrying about what she thinks of me and my un ordinary life.  Until the next session.